Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
