There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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