he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
