But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
