i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
