someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
