you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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