Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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