I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
