i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
sarcasm needs its own font
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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