It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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