You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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