so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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