its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
