Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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