In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
