did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
50% drunk capacity currently
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
