I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
