So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
