your parents love me but you hate me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
