I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
