hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
