Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
