Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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