you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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