just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
