Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
