I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
