just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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