Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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