Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
