My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
