on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
