If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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