I need to stop coming to work sober
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
