birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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