Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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