My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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