Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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