Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
