Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
