I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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