Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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