cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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