Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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