i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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