My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
