Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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