why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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