Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
