My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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