I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
